Most romantic relationships go through very predictable phases. From a psychological perspective, healthy men and women in romantic relationships behave in very predictable ways. Most relationships are initially characterized by an “enchantment” phase or a “honeymoon” phase. This is the best and most exciting phase. The universe has swept someone into your world that enriches your existence. You may smile when receiving texts, long to see them, stop hanging out with friends and spend all of your free time with your significant other. This is great and it feels like an emotional adventure. The more you get to know about the person, the more you like! This phase can last anywhere between 3 – 6 months. After the excitement wears off, the relationship enters the “power struggle” phase. During this phase, the male’s pattern of attach-and-withdraw emerges. Feelings such as love, security, insecurity, jealousy, fear, anger and anxiety are present in one or both partners. True colors come to the surface. If you really want to know a person’s character, observe how they act under duress. Their natural reactions to overwhelming emotions say a lot about their character. When men feel overwhelming emotions, even good ones, they sometimes retreat to their mental man cave to work through these emotions and to evaluate themselves. Contrary to popular belief, ladies, it is not always about us. Men struggle with their own psychological and developmental issues that are foreign to us. Let’s look at some reasons why men pull away.
Three Reasons Why Men Pull Away
1. Feeling Smothered / Fear of Engulfment
Some men fear engulfment or being smothered. When a woman is emotionally attached, she may want physical and emotional closeness. Closeness does not threaten her womanhood because by nature, women are nurturers. However, men can experience closeness as very stressful at times. Closeness represents “merger”, “fusion”, “engulfment” or “loss of one’s self.” Malone & Malone (1999) point out that Men embark on an eternal quest to protect their manhood. The drive to protect one’s manhood is manifested on the surface as a need to be independent and not emotionally reliant on another.
Oxytocin or the “love hormone” is present is both men and women. It is the hormone that allows mothers to bond their infants when breast-feeding. This hormone is also released during orgasms. It is what allows us to bond. Oxytocin is present in higher levels in women than in men. I say this to say that men have the same chemical that we have to bond, but bonding in men can represent loss of autonomy and loss of autonomy causes stress. Think about this, the more a man loves you and the deeper his feelings are for you, the more levels of oxytocin increase during orgasms and during cuddling, and that can trigger stress reactions. So, it’s not about anything that you are doing wrong, bonding can be stressful for men. The mature, healthy and securely attached male will eventually overcome his fear of fusion if the woman provides support and space when necessary.
2. Feeling Pressured
Let me be honest. Some men pull away because they are in relationships where the partner appears to be demanding, overly possessive or insecure. Let’s look at the actions of the woman that can push a man away. Constantly complaining is one thing that men simply cannot tolerate. They are fragile inside and desperately want to make women happy; the ability to keep a woman happy is a sign of a “real man.” Now imagine what the man feels like when he has a woman that is constantly complaining, “get a better job”, “fix the sink”, “can’t you do anything right?”, “man up”, “stop acting like a little boy”, “I need some more time”, “I need some more money”, “buy me this and buy me that…” This is translated in the man’s brain as one simple statement: “You don’t make me happy little boy.” Ouch! No wonder he withdraws. Think about it like this, if your man is that bad, then leave him or chose to focus on what he does right. When you change your attitude and focus, you can actually make him a better man. Here’s how… Simply tell him what you appreciate so that you can get more of that from him. Men want to feel appreciated. Ex: “I really appreciate the way you listened to me last night. I know it was really late but I was upset and you were really there for me… Thank you.” Now you just made him feel like he has done something right and he will want to do more of it.
3. External Stressors
Again, men and women are very different. They also react to stress differently. Some men retreat to figure things out. Some issues may be related to financial stressors, career stagnation, sexual issues or spiritual issues. Some religious men may struggle with guilt related to fornication. Other men feel inadequate in their careers and simply retreat to make important decisions. Men like to work things out internally. Give him the space to do just that.
What To When He Withdraws
1. Give Him Support & Space
Give him adequate space and support. Let’s call this the “SS” principle. “SS” will stand for “Space and Support.”
When a man withdraws, most women panic. The relationship seemed to be going fine and the two of you were getting closer and closer and then suddenly, he withdraws. Sometimes this is gradual and other times, it is abrupt. Perhaps he stops texting or calling. He may appear distant and cold. Some men begin to give one-word answers through text and in person. One day he was so warm and loving, and now he is like a stranger and he is guarded. Most women begin to do things that drive the man further away. First, you must note that no good can come out of fear and panic. When women react to a man’s withdrawal under these circumstances, the woman is not in control of her emotions. The natural instinct of the woman is to question. By nature, when are talkers and solution oriented. Women want to talk about the problem. Not later, but now. Women begin to ask multiple questions such as, “what’s wrong?”, “what did I do?”, “is there someone else?” or “why haven’t you called?” This approach makes the woman appear insecure and nagging. Of course, we don’t want to nag, we legitimately want to help. However, the man will view a barrage of questions as “nagging” no matter how well-intentioned you are.
When you notice that your man has become distant but has not officially ended the relationship, this is the best time to implement “SS” (Space & Support). By all means, leave him alone for a few days. Let him know that you recognize that he has been a little distant lately and that if he wants to talk or hang out, you will be available. Don’t just disappear and think, “two can play at that game!” Give him space but show support by checking in occasionally. Reduce your phone calls and texts. Send a short text letting him know that you are thinking about him and about to head out to do something fun. It is okay to be specific. For example, you might text, “hey ______, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. Hope you are ok. I’m heading to yoga with Jen in a few. ttyl” This text let’s him know that you are thinking about him in a positive way, but that your life is going on and you are mature enough to give him space. Do not send needy texts like this: “ hey ________, its been four whole days since we hung out! Ur not answering my texts! What are you doing! I can’t live without you! Please call me! I luv u! 😦 “ One word comes to mind when I read a text like that: “Eww.” It sends the message that your life stops when they are not around and that is unacceptable ladies. Put on your game face and be secure and confident at all times, even if you are hurting inside. Show your man that you are mature enough to give him space. This does not mean the end of the relationship. In fact, he may miss you during his period of absence and this could eventually strengthen the relationship.
2. Acceptance
Many women fail to accept the fact that men and women are different and that they express themselves differently. It does not mean that women love more than men or that men do not feel. It means that it is expressed differently. As noted above, men desire autonomy and independence. It is crucial to their manhood that they do not feel dependent, smothered or locked up. They assert their manhood through competitive sporting activities, leaving home at the right age to live separate from mom, finding the right job and unfortunately by withdrawing emotionally to work through problems and overwhelming emotions. Respect that even the healthiest relationships may be characterized by a man’s desperate need to attach and the opposing drive to separate.
3. Stay Happy and Occupied
Now you know that you should implement “SS” and accept that men and women are wired differently. The third suggestion is the most important. Keep yourself occupied and happy. This may mean going to the nail salon, catching up on some reading, spending time with family and friends or investing in a hobby. You want to stay around positive people because positive energy is contagious and helps you to smile and to feel confident. While giving your partner space, keep up your appearance, keep up your confidence, love and spoil yourself, and when he comes back with that need to attach again, be there glowing with a sense of confidence and independence that most men find irresistible.
Interesting fact: 70% of men report that they would rather be respected than loved.
Reference(s):
Malone, G. & Malone, S. (1999). Five Keys for Understanding Men: A Woman’s Guide. Irving, TX: Authorlink Press.
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